Saving Grace

The only saving grace of a McCain/Palin White House...? Levi Johnston—the hottie hockey player who impregnated Palin's 17-year-old daughter, a young man who is even more insanely good-looking than previously circulating photos had revealed. When he walked onto the stage with the rest of the family after his future mother-in-law's vapid, awkwardly delivered speech tonight in order to greet the world and shake John McCain's hand, this self-proclaimed "fucking redneck" didn't even bother to spit out his gum! Man, I love this guy. And he's sure to have won the hearts of tween conservatives everywhere. He would also be sure to snag a Teen Choice Award for "Choice Republican Campaign Baby Daddy Hottie," if there were such a thing, and I would fully support that.

Anyway, I have to keep thinking about Levi Johnston because thinking about what's going on at the Xcel Energy Center & Vomitorium is just too much to handle.

Honestly, the Republicans can't give a speech to save their lives. I've heard and/or seen Joe Lieberman, Rudy Giuliani, and now Sarah Palin, and, putting their "message" aside, they all would fail a community college freshman speech class because of their lack of charm, clunky delivery, and complete non-understanding of timing and inflection. On top of that, you couldn't ignore Joe's weird breathing problem in between paragraphs; Rudy's uncomfortable pauses as he attempted to milk applause, laughs, cheers, and boos and only achieved those things through the grace of his Republican god; and Sarah's inability to navigate the nuances of her speech, like knowing which words in a sentence to emphasize. Perhaps sensing this, Republican speechwriters got Palin to say this about Obama: "For a season, a gifted speaker can inspire with his words. For a lifetime, John McCain has inspired with his deeds." Those are good lines (even better if they were true), but, man, for the sake of my entertainment, Republicans, could you please send your speakers to acting camp or force them to attend a session with a speech coach or something? This is free advice, and this will help your cause. Your speeches inspired nothing in me except my gag reflex (and you know how difficult it is to get that thing going).

While I only thought that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama hit their speeches completely out of the ballpark at the Democratic National Convention, even Joe Biden, Bill Clinton, John Kerry, and Michelle Obama knew how to speak like they meant what they were saying and like they knew what the words coming out of their mouths meant. And their speeches seemed personal—like they may have actually even written most of those words themselves!—and that's why they were so emotionally effective.

As for the "message," the Republicans have been trying to disassociate themselves from George Bush and, more interestingly, from the Republicans. You read that correctly. They are trying to distance themselves from themselves. And while speakers at the Democratic Convention repeatedly expressed their genuine respect and admiration for John McCain while questioning his policies, the folks I've seen at the Republican Convention have been unleashing a barrage of dismissive, condescending, and squirmingly mean-spirited commentary at Barack Obama, as if he had no validity as a person. That's how it's been coming across.

On a side note, I don't think I've ever seen so many white people in one place in my life. I loved how ABC did manage to find, apparently, the only two black people at the Republican Convention, a number so embarrassingly small that they cut back to the same guy twice during Palin's speech.

On another side note, Sarah Palin, are you really playing the Down Syndrome card? Really?! Can I knock the smugness straight out of your tits? (That is not a sexist statement. This is a sexist statement: "Levi Johnston...is even more insanely good-looking than previously circulating photos had revealed.")

Can you believe I'm writing this much about politics? I have to get a life.