Revisiting Monologues: "The Fabulous Adventures of Captain Queer"

The following is the uncut version of Reginald's monologue in Act One, Scene Three of The Fabulous Adventures of Captain Queer, which premiered at the New Conservatory Theatre Center in San Francisco in 2006:

(THE STAGE IS BLACK.)

MALE VOICE
The following is a paid advertisement. The opinions in this program do not necessarily reflect the views of this station or its affiliates.

(LIGHTS ON REGINALD, 40S, ENGLISH ACCENT. HE ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE.)

REGINALD
Hello. My name is Reginald Screamingbottom, founder and president of Screamingbottom International. Screamingbottom International is a nonprofit, interdenominational organization promoting the message of "freedom from homosexuality through the power of God, Jesus Christ, and shock therapy."

For over fifteen years, Screamingbottom International has grown to include over two hundred and thirty-five ministries around the world. We even have a ministry...on the moon. And, perhaps more shockingly, in the Castro District of San Francisco—in a tiny office hidden in the kitchen of Cafe Flore.

Screamingbottom International actively challenges those who uphold homosexuality as a valid orientation by demonstrating time and time again that, with the right amount of torture—er, I mean, treatment—a gay person can be transformed into a happy, productive, and reproductive heterosexual, with absolutely no known side effects—except for the occasional case of diarrhea, nausea, or insanity.

I was once a wayward soul myself, embracing homosexuality the way a crack whore embraces the last john of the night. In my reckless youth, I performed disgusting acts. I committed crimes against nature. And I discovered just how flexible my anus is.

But through the power of prayer—as well as the power of electricity—I was saved.

Under the guidance of my mentor, Gustav Lederhosen, who also happens to have been a former Nazi war criminal, I designed an electrifying treatment program that I first tried out on myself.

(GUSTAV, WHO WEARS AN EYE PATCH, LIMPS ONTO STAGE. HE SPEAKS WITH A THICK GERMAN ACCENT.)

GUSTAV
It was a rousing success…despite the fact that we used so much power that we caused a blackout at the Serramonte Mall in Daly City.

REGINALD
For the record, Gustav renounces his life as a former Nazi war criminal.

GUSTAV
It was fun while it lasted.

(GUSTAV EXITS.)

REGINALD
Through my own treatment, I became as straight as God intended me to be. And that paved the path to me meeting my wife, who is also an ex-gay. And together, we live normal lives and have astoundingly hot heterosexual sex. Of course, when we’re having intercourse, my wife puts a bag over her head like I ask her to and I’m usually thinking about licking Alec Baldwin’s armpits, but that’s just details. Our behavioral modification is complete.

(REGINALD’S WIFE, WHO HAS A PAPER BAG OVER HER HEAD, APPEARS. THE BAG HAS HOLES FOR HER EYES, NOSE, AND MOUTH.)

REGINALD
(To WIFE:) Hi, honey.

(THE WIFE KISSES REGINALD ON THE LIPS—BARELY. SHE DISAPPEARS.)

REGINALD
With my newfound life, I wanted to help other people. I wanted to meet as many horny gay men and have private consultations with them in my office as possible. I wanted to save the world. And that’s why I founded this organization.

Please. Call the number on your screen if you don’t want God to punish you by making your dick fall off.

And remember, I’m not only the founder and president of Screamingbottom International.... I’m also a mmmmmmmmmmember.