We Make You Horny

There's a scene in European Vacation, in which Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) and his family are in a restaurant and they notice a couple at another table making out passionately—PDA going seriously overboard. Clark and his wife Ellen have this memorable exchange with their son Rusty:
RUSTY: Hey, Dad, he's got his hands on her tits right there at the table!

ELLEN: Stop staring, Rusty.

CLARK: Uh, Rusty, European standards of public behavior are very different than in America.

[...]

RUSTY: Dad, I think he's gonna pork her.

CLARK: He's not gonna pork her, Rusty. Just eat, okay?

RUSTY: I think he is, Dad.

CLARK [LOOKING AGAIN]: ...He may pork her, Russ. Just eat, okay?

Since Friday night's JUKEBOX STORIES audience at The Clubhouse in San Francisco was the drunkest, horniest crowd that Brandon and I have ever had the pleasure of performing for, it was inevitable that there would be a couple tucked away in the back that caused me to glance over at them throughout the evening and think, "Dad, I think he's gonna pork her."

You see, The Clubhouse is a comedy club that has a BYOB policy for those 21 and up, and I didn't take it too seriously. I thought that maybe a few people would bring some alcohol, but, boy, when people know that they themselves are entirely responsible for their own drunkenness and horniness, they take charge. Folks were bringing in bottles of wine and sharing them with strangers, and, after the show, we found a big empty bottle of Jack Daniels lying sadly on its side underneath a chair. And this drunk, horny energy permeated throughout the audience whether the others BYOB or not.

At intermission, my friends Tod and Rose mentioned the aforementioned Drunk Horny Couple, and they thought that I should heckle them throughout the rest of the show. But I'm a pretty non-confrontational guy, and I was content just to keep thinking, "Dad, I think he's gonna pork her," and try to ignore them as much as possible because I don't really like dealing with drunk, horny people (unless it's me who's going to have drunk, horny sex with them). Well, it turns out that Drunk Horny Girl was the first to win that night's bingo game. She actually tied for the night's top bingo prize along with a woman who was part of the European Front Row.

(By the way, a few blog entries ago I wrote: "The remaining tickets are likely to fall into the hands of German tourists if you don't buy them first." Guess who was sitting in the front row? Germans!!!!! Weird-ass shit. I should've written, "The remaining tickets are likely to fall into the hands of the guy who plays The Human Torch and takes off his shirt in all his movies." Do you think Chris Evans would've shown up and tried to seduce me? "Dad, I think he's gonna pork him.")

(By the way, this cell phone photo is courtesy of Tod. If anyone has any more photos, give them to us so we can post them.)

For the tiebreaker, we had Drunk Horny Girl and European Front Row Lady play trivia with questions based on the stories and songs that we performed that evening. Brandon and I had both women whisper answers in our ears so that the other couldn't hear, and both women answered something like five questions wrong in a row, and I know why. Drunk Horny Girl slurred each of her alcohol-scented answers to me, most of which made no sense. I think she was just giving me random answers from a random episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. We finally had to flip a coin, and Drunk Horny Girl won.

I believe that Drunk Horny Couple is on the JUKEBOX STORIES mailing list, so they will probably end up reading this at some point. Drunk Horny Couple, I hope I have accurately and respectfully described you, and I hope you will leave me a message to let me know if you did indeed end up having drunk, horny sex or if you passed out when you got home. I want to know this more than I want to know who killed Kennedy.

Lest I unfairly shine a drunk, horny light upon Drunk Horny Couple, I want to reemphasize that they weren't the only ones sloshed and hump-ready. One of the Germans declared that Brandon giving her a lap dance was worth the price of admission; someone informed me rather forcefully that "you two are easy on the eyes"; and the guy whose chair we found the empty bottle of Jack under came up on stage to help us reenact scenes from The Goonies and he wouldn't leave. I must thank playwright Marisela Orta for encouraging me to do those Goonies reenactments because she made me realize how that film is truly a widespread shared cultural phenomenon, which is why that piece was a big hit that evening. (Me playing the Corey Feldman role was a major factor as well, if I must say so myself: "Yeah. But you know what? This one, this one right here, this was my dream, my wish, and it didn't come true. So I'm takin' it back. I'm takin' 'em all back.")

Helping to push the show to sell-out status were a group of people from Bay Area Linkup, a social networking group that brings strangers together and helps them score; an Asian Sistah who bought a block of tickets for her and her coworkers (I never asked them where they worked, but I'm guessing it's some Asian Thing); and, of course, nearly 20 teenagers from Maybeck High School, a Berkeley private school so progressive that their drama teacher brings them to something like JUKEBOX STORIES. The Maybeck kids are some of our staunchest allies, and we recognized a lot of them who've shown up before.

I was given a previously worn black rubber Maybeck wristband, and I wore it all weekend because the thought of having hot teen sweat on me wherever I went warmed by heart. Alas, after an insane all-night drive from San Francisco to Los Angeles and an exhausting and sleepless few days, the wristband has disappeared and my is heart broken. If some Follow Spot Operator out there cares enough to rectify this situation, I will be forever grateful.

Brandon is sitting here in my living room, and we just had the following exchange:
PRINCE: Do you have anything to report on about Friday night?

BRANDON: The woman in the front row who I gave a lap dance to tapped me on the butt when I got up and I think she hit my testicles.

PRINCE: Can I write that?

BRANDON: Sure. She's not the kind person to be checking blogs.

Prove him wrong, German woman!

Big thanks to everybody who was there Friday, to Melissa Gans and Rich Stimbra who run that crazy place, and to Diana Strachan who, because she ran the tech booth during our run last year at Impact Theatre, has now seen the show 18 times. (And we made her pay that 18th time! I love how we are evil bastards!) It was one of the best shows we've ever done, and we sincerely hope that you all got some that night. In exchange for the fact that we helped you get laid, will you please write something in our JUKEBOX STORIES guestbook or comment on our JUKEBOX STORIES MySpace page? We want to archive your thoughts the way we have attempted to archive our endless number of conquests. (But since there have been so so so so many, this is a simple impossibility.) And if there are any other significant details from that evening that I am forgetting, post them here and we will discuss them in-depth like they do on The View.

—Reporting Glendale, California
Name

24,26,301,2,3Oh3,1,50 Characters in 50 Weeks,1,555,59,Aaron Johnson,1,ABBA,3,Academy Awards,3,Adam Gwon,1,Against Me,1,Alan E. Muraoka,1,Alberto González Vázquez,1,Alec Baldwin,1,Alex Beh,1,Alex Pettyfer,1,Algenis Perez Soto,1,Ali Ewoldt,1,Ali Larter,1,Amazing Videos,43,America Ferrera,3,America's Got Talent,4,American Idol,3,Amy Poehler,5,Ana Gasteyer,1,Anderson Cooper,1,Andrea James,1,Andy Samberg,4,Angelina Jolie,1,Anika Noni Rose,1,Animal Planet,1,Animal Video,16,Animal Videos,160,Animals,220,Animation,24,Anjelah Johnson,4,Anna Boden,1,Anne Rice,1,Annie Baker,1,Anteaters,1,Anthony Mora,2,Anton Chekhov,4,Armadillos,1,Art,5,Arthur Laurents,1,Artists at Play,1,Asher Roth,2,Ashton Kutcher,1,Asian,90,Asian America,146,Asian American Stuff,8,Asians,34,Athens Boys Choir,1,Athol Fugard,1,Audio Clips,10,Audra Mae,1,August Wilson,1,Axe,1,Bacon,1,Ballet,1,Banksy,1,Barack Obama,54,Barbie,3,Barry Manilow,2,Bats,1,Bears,5,Ben Folds,1,Ben Lee,16,Ben Stiller,1,Benjamin Millepied,1,Best,26,Betty White,2,Beverages,1,Beyonce,1,Bill Maher,6,Bill Pullman,1,Birds,3,Bjork,1,Blogathon 2006,52,Blue's Clues,4,Bob Dylan,4,Bong Joon-ho,1,Books,61,Boy Bands,18,Boyzone,4,Brandon Patton,78,Brendan Fraser,2,Brent Rose,4,Brett Claywell,2,Brighde Mullins,1,Bright Eyes,9,Britain's Got Talent,5,Britney Spears,9,Broadway,11,Bruno,1,Burt Reynolds,1,California,1,Cam Gigandet,1,Carlos Mencia,3,Carrie Ann Inaba,1,Carrie Fisher,2,Casey Affleck,3,Cat,3,Catroulette,1,Cats,139,Center Theatre Group,1,Centipede Press,1,Chalk Repertory Theatre,7,Channing Tatum,4,Chantix,2,Chatroulette,2,Cher,1,Cherry Chevapravatdumrong,2,Chickens,2,Chimps,1,China,2,Chinese,10,Chiwetel Ejiofor,1,Chloe Moretz,1,Chocolate,1,Chris Mintz-Plasse,1,Christian Bale,1,Circle X Theatre Co.,1,Clancy's Crab Broiler,1,Coffee Bar,1,Coke,1,Coleman Hough,1,Colin Farrell,2,Colin Firth,1,Comedians,10,Comedies,1,Comedy Central,3,Comments,5,Commercial,12,Commercials,54,Conan O'Brien,3,Concerts,26,Conor Oberst,9,Contests,59,Cool Stuff,4,Corey Feldman,1,Corinne Bailey Rae,1,Craig Ferguson,4,Cry,10,Cuisine,1,Current Events and Politics,265,Cyndi Lauper,1,Czech Republic,1,Dagoba,1,Dalton Ross,1,Damian Aspinall,1,Dance,2,Daniel Henney,1,Daniel Radcliffe,8,Danny Boyle,6,Darren Aronofsky,1,Dave Franco,1,David Bowie,3,David Burnham,1,David Byrne,1,David Cope,1,David Fridlund,1,David Henry Hwang,1,David Letterman,10,David Lynch,2,David Maurice Gil,1,David Saint,1,David Thorne,2,David Wilson,1,Deal or No Deal,5,Debbie Reynolds,1,Deborah S. Craig,1,Deer,1,Demian Mason,1,Demonic Jukebox,11,Denise Richards,1,Denmark,1,Depression,1,Diablo Cody,21,Diet Coke,1,Disney,7,Disneyland,1,Dixieland,1,Documentaries,22,Dog,2,Dogs,16,Dolphins,1,Dominic Cooper,2,Don Hertzfeldt,1,Donovan and the Vast Ancient Conspiracy,2,Donovan Keith,7,Donovan Patton,4,Dr. John,1,Dracula,1,Drake and Josh,5,Drake Bell,8,Dreamworks,1,Duck,1,Ducks,1,Dunja Gry Jensen,1,Dutch Watch,10,East Germany,1,East West Players,31,Edinburgh Fringe Festival,2,Education,3,Edward Gunawan,3,El Cor de la Ciutat,5,Election 2008,93,Elephants,4,Elinor Burkett,1,Ellen DeGeneres,3,Elmo,1,Eminem,1,England,1,Entertainment Weekly,4,Everything Glendale,4,Ewoks,5,Facebook,18,Fancy Hollywood Parties,11,Fantasy,3,FAQs,3,Fashion,9,Fatboy Slim,1,Featured,2,Feodor Chin,1,Ferdinand Marcos,1,Filipino,9,Film,1,Finland,1,Fireside Chats,6,Food,61,Football,1,Foreign Films,18,Foreskin,3,Forest Whitaker,3,Fox,2,Fox Searchlight,3,France,3,Frankenstein,1,Frequently Assed Questions,1,Funny Animals,147,Funny Ha Ha,569,Funny Kids,4,Funny Stuff,30,Funny Videos,533,Gabriel Fleming,22,Games,2,Garth Stein,4,Gay,1,Gay Marriage,56,Gay Penguins,4,Gay Stuff,21,George Bush,5,George Lucas,2,George Takei,1,Goats,2,Godfrey,1,Goldenspell,1,Good Vibes,3,Gorillas,1,GQ,2,Grandview Topless Coffee Shop,1,Green Day,2,Gregory Itzin,1,Griffin Dunne,1,Guest,1,Guest Bloggers,5,Guilford Adam,1,Gus Van Sant,1,Hal Hartley,1,Halloween Guy Endore,1,Hamsters,4,Hanson,3,Harney Milk,1,Harrison Ford,1,Harry Potter,4,Hayden Christensen,6,Health,7,Henrik Ruben Genz,1,HGTV,1,High School Musical,50,High School Musical 2,6,High School Musical 3,7,Hillary Clinton,10,Hippo,1,Hollywood Blacklist,1,Hollywood Forever Cemetery,3,Horror Movies,29,Horror Stuff,1,Hot Girls,6,Hot Guys,104,Hot Videos,42,HSM2 Comments,6,Ikea,1,Imelda Marcos,1,Impact Theatre,37,Indian,4,Indiana Jones,1,Indonesian,1,Infographic,3,Inochi,1,interview,1,Ira Sukrungruang,2,Ishmael Reed,1,Jack Johnson,1,Jack Savoretti,1,Jacques Audiard,1,Jake Gyllenhaal,1,Jakob Cedergren,1,James Franco,5,James Gunn,1,James McAvoy,5,James Urbaniak,1,Jan Stephenson,1,Jan Terri,1,Jane Austen,1,Jane Goldman,1,Jane Leeves,1,Janet Fitch,1,Japan,11,Japanese,15,Jason Bourne,1,Jason Statham,1,Jay Leno,7,Jazz,1,JD Salinger,4,Jennifer Aniston,1,Jens Lekman,1,Jerome Robbins,1,Jerry Ruiz,1,Jesse Harris,1,Jimmy Kimmel,5,Joan Crawford,1,Joe Biden,14,Joe Calarco,1,Joey McIntyre,7,Joey McKneely,1,John McCain,39,John Pinette,1,John Prine,1,John Wesley Harding,3,Jon Stewart,4,Jonathan Ke Quan,4,Jonathan Larson,1,Jordan Nagai,1,Joseph Minion,1,Josh Peck,3,Judge Judy,1,Jukebox Stories,77,Julie Salamon,1,Juliette Binoche,1,Jung Woo-sung,1,Kafka-Inspired Comedy Movie,2,Kangaroos,2,Kate Capshaw,1,Kate Pierson,1,Kate Winslet,1,Katie Couric,5,Keith Olbermann,1,Kiefer Sutherland,9,Kim Jee-woon,1,Kim Min-suk,1,Kirsten Dunst,1,Koalas,1,Korea,6,Korean,4,Kris Kristofferson,1,Kung Zhu,1,Kurt Wimmer,1,Kyle Harris,1,Kyle Lewis,1,Ladies Professional Golf Association,1,Lambs,1,Lance Gross,3,Lars Von Trier,2,Laundromat,16,Laura Bush,1,Lauren Yee,1,Lea Salonga,1,Lee Byung-hun,1,Lee Pace,3,Legos,1,Leonard Bernstein,1,Leonardo DiCaprio,2,Levi Johnston,27,lfred Hitchcock,1,Liam Neeson,1,Liev Schreiber,1,Lin Yu Chun,2,Lions,4,Lisa Kudrow,2,Live Monologue,1,Live Monologues,2,Live-Blogging,2,Local News,4,Lodestone Theatre Ensemble,1,Lorraine Hansberry Theatre,2,Louise Larsen,18,Lucas Grabeel,5,Lucinda Williams,1,Luxembourg,1,M. Night Shyamalan,3,Madonna,1,Magazines,3,Magic,2,Malaysian,2,Malls,4,Mare Winningham,2,Marianne Faithfull,1,Marilyn Hoggatt,1,Marines,1,Mark Wahlberg,8,Martin Scorsese,1,Maru,5,Master of Professional Writing,11,Matt Bateman,1,Matt Damon,1,Matthew Vaughn,1,Maya Rudolph,1,MC Frontalot,4,MC Lars,3,McDonald's,1,McFly,1,Meat Loaf,1,Megan Fox,1,Meryl Streep,2,Mice,1,Michael Ballhaus,1,Michael Buble,1,Michael Bublé,1,Michael Cera,4,Michael DeAntonio,1,Michael Lowenthal,3,Michael Moore,4,Michael Phelps,13,Michelle Obama,5,Mike Leigh,1,Mike Shinoda,1,Mike Valentino,20,Mila Kunis,1,Military,1,Miss Coco Peru,1,Molly Shannon,1,Monkeys,8,Monologue Madness,11,Mormons,6,Most Popular Posts,2,Most Viewed Posts,7,Mother,2,Movie,6,Movie Recommendations,7,Movie Stuff,1,Movies,455,MTV,1,Music,306,Music Recommendations,4,Music Video,24,Music Videos,207,Musical Stuff,1,Musicals,35,My Morning Jacket,1,My Sister,11,Mysterious Skin,21,Nancy Anderson,1,Nancy Elliott,1,Natalie Merchant,1,Natalie Portman,1,NBC,3,Ned Sublette,1,Neil LaBute,8,Neil Patrick Harris,2,Nerdcore,6,Never Look Back (Except Now),7,New Conservatory Theater Center,8,New Kids on the Block,4,New York,2,NFL,1,Nick Gabriel,1,Nick Lowe,6,Nick Swardson,1,Nickelodeon,1,Nicole Atkins,1,Nicole Holofcener,1,Nina Simone,1,Noah Baumbach,1,Noel Alumit,4,Norah Jones,1,North Carolina,1,Odd News,109,Odd Videos,42,Odds and Ends,235,Oklahoma,1,Old Spice,2,Oliver Assayas,1,Oliver Evans,1,Oliver Fish,1,oprah,1,Oscars,3,Otters,1,Owiso Odera,1,Ozzy Osbourne,1,Palo Alto High,2,Pandas,4,Pantages Theatre,1,Paris Hilton,3,Park Eun-kyo,1,Patton Oswalt,2,Paul Greengrass,1,Paul Kikuchi,1,Paul Rudd,1,Peen,7,Pelicans,1,PEN Center USA,2,Penguins,5,Peter Darney,1,Peter Wylie,1,Philip Kan Gotanda,2,Philippines,1,Phillip Noyce,1,Pimone Triplett,2,Pixar,1,Playboy Mansion,2,Playwriting,21,Playwriting Stuff,1,Podcasts,5,Polar Bears,2,Polls,4,Ponder,1,Ponderings,6,Pop Punk,1,Pork Chop,75,Pork Chop's Weight-Loss Challenge,3,Prague,1,Pranks,2,Prints Made Easy,1,Pro Bowl,1,Psy,1,Punk'd,1,Queen,1,Quentin Easter,2,Rabbits,2,Rachel Dratch,1,Randy Newman,3,Raunchy Comedy Movie,3,Reality Shows,7,Regina King,3,Religion,12,Religion Stuff,6,Rent,6,Restricted,1,Return of the Jedi,2,Revolutionary Road,1,Richard Yates,1,Rick Astley,4,Rickrolling,6,Ricky Gervais,1,Robbie Williams,3,Roger Ross Williams,1,Romania,3,Ronald Reagan,1,Royce Reed,1,Rude Guerrilla Theater Company,3,Ryan Fleck,1,Ryan Gosling,4,Ryun Yu,1,Sacha Baron Cohen,7,Sam Gold,1,Sam Mendes,1,Sandra Tsing Loh,2,Santigold,1,Sapphire,1,Sarah Palin,49,Sarah Silverman,1,Sasha Grey,1,Saturday Night Live,21,Science Fiction,18,Scott Evans,1,Scott Heim,32,Screenwriting,3,Sea Lion,1,Sean Faris,1,Sean Penn,2,Seattle,7,Sesame Street,6,Sharon Jones,1,Sheep,1,Shel Silverstein,1,Shelley Berman,2,Shepard Fairey,1,Shimajiro,3,Shirtless,1,Short Films,2,Sidewalk Studio Theatre,2,Simon and Garfunkel,1,Simon Cowell,1,Singaporean,1,SIS Productions,6,Sketch Comedy,7,Skin Report,1,So Gay,209,Soap Operas,1,Soldiers,1,South Asian,3,South Coast Repertory,3,South Park,3,Sport,1,Sports,24,Squirrels,4,Stand-Up,1,Stanley Williams,2,Star Wars,8,Stephen Colbert,2,Stephen McCauley,1,Stephen Sondheim,1,Steve Burns,4,Steve Carell,1,Steve Martin,1,Steven Soderbergh,1,Steven Spielberg,1,Story,31,Strippers,1,Super Bowl,1,Susan Boyle,4,Suzanne Whang,2,Sweden,5,Tahar Rahim,1,Taiwanese,4,Takashi Murakami,1,Talk Shows,15,Tamlyn Tomita,1,Technology,30,Television,268,Television Stuff,3,Terrance Howard,1,Thai,30,Thai Stuff,4,The Americana,4,The Bilerico Project,50,The Celebrity Apprentice,1,The Coen Brothers,1,The Constellations,1,The Daily Show,4,The Drill Hall,1,The Gaslight Anthem,1,The Goonies,6,The Last Airbender,1,The Life and Times of Pork Chop,19,The Lodger,1,The Lost Coast,1,The Monkees,1,The Muppets,12,The Olympics,11,The Onion,8,The Only Way Is Essex,1,The Proclaimers,1,The Rolling Stones,2,The Simpsons,5,The Tonight Show,3,The Velvet Underground,1,Theater,238,Theater Stuff,2,Theatre Recommendation Stuff,23,Thierry Guetta,1,Things I Did,3,Things I Read,8,Think Tank,3,Thomas Bidegain,1,Tigers,2,Tina Fey,7,Tips for Actors,1,Tips for Writers,8,Tips for Writers and Other Artists,3,Tom Gabel,1,Tom Hanks,1,Tom Wilson,1,Tom Wolfe,1,Tori Amos,1,Tortoises,1,Toys,14,Travel,2,Trending,8,True Blood,1,Turkeys,1,Turtles,1,Twin Cities,8,Tyler Perry,3,UCLA,2,United Kingdom,1,Unsung Movies,16,USC,12,Valerie Bertinelli,1,Vampire Weekend,2,Vanessa Anne Hudgens,13,Vermont,2,Video,86,Video Games,10,Videos,981,Vietnamese,1,Views,5,Vincent DeSalvo,1,Wanda Sykes,8,Weezer,4,Weighing Pork Chop,14,Wenda Fong,1,Wendie Malick,1,Wendy Wasserstein,1,Wendy's,1,West Elm,1,Wham,1,What the What,1,Will Ferrell,3,William Shakespeare,2,Willie Nelson,1,Woody Allen,11,Wow,32,Writing,9,Writing Stuff,45,WTF,23,Zac Efron,56,Zac Efron's Ass,4,Zebra,1,Zuiikin English,3,
ltr
item
BAMBOO NATION by Prince Gomolvilas: We Make You Horny
We Make You Horny
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5UEdHhTwUHenHjwzNpKU4zTc48rg4cKA4sFkxC7iDc4ZfIuCMFbbakIH0L6K8VOuk6Z5gwXjZz4xL9IXf1I3RYREy7CozNudTGWBAouV65p2ZDbwdNCR5lbi-AJby_hr9a3S1/s320/Picture+1-39_1.jpg
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5UEdHhTwUHenHjwzNpKU4zTc48rg4cKA4sFkxC7iDc4ZfIuCMFbbakIH0L6K8VOuk6Z5gwXjZz4xL9IXf1I3RYREy7CozNudTGWBAouV65p2ZDbwdNCR5lbi-AJby_hr9a3S1/s72-c/Picture+1-39_1.jpg
BAMBOO NATION by Prince Gomolvilas
https://www.bamboo-nation.com/2007/06/we-make-you-horny.html
https://www.bamboo-nation.com/
https://www.bamboo-nation.com/
https://www.bamboo-nation.com/2007/06/we-make-you-horny.html
true
29736335
UTF-8
Loaded All Posts Not found any posts VIEW ALL Let's Go! Reply Cancel reply Delete By Home PAGES POSTS View All MORE POSTS ON BAMBOO NATION FOR YOU! LABEL ARCHIVE SEARCH ALL POSTS Not found any post match with your request Back Home Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat January February March April May June July August September October November December Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec just now 1 minute ago $$1$$ minutes ago 1 hour ago $$1$$ hours ago Yesterday $$1$$ days ago $$1$$ weeks ago more than 5 weeks ago Followers Follow THIS PREMIUM CONTENT IS LOCKED STEP 1: Share to a social network STEP 2: Click the link on your social network Copy All Code Select All Code All codes were copied to your clipboard Can not copy the codes / texts, please press [CTRL]+[C] (or CMD+C with Mac) to copy Table of Contents