We Make You Horny

There's a scene in European Vacation, in which Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) and his family are in a restaurant and they notice a couple at another table making out passionately—PDA going seriously overboard. Clark and his wife Ellen have this memorable exchange with their son Rusty:
RUSTY: Hey, Dad, he's got his hands on her tits right there at the table!

ELLEN: Stop staring, Rusty.

CLARK: Uh, Rusty, European standards of public behavior are very different than in America.

[...]

RUSTY: Dad, I think he's gonna pork her.

CLARK: He's not gonna pork her, Rusty. Just eat, okay?

RUSTY: I think he is, Dad.

CLARK [LOOKING AGAIN]: ...He may pork her, Russ. Just eat, okay?

Since Friday night's JUKEBOX STORIES audience at The Clubhouse in San Francisco was the drunkest, horniest crowd that Brandon and I have ever had the pleasure of performing for, it was inevitable that there would be a couple tucked away in the back that caused me to glance over at them throughout the evening and think, "Dad, I think he's gonna pork her."

You see, The Clubhouse is a comedy club that has a BYOB policy for those 21 and up, and I didn't take it too seriously. I thought that maybe a few people would bring some alcohol, but, boy, when people know that they themselves are entirely responsible for their own drunkenness and horniness, they take charge. Folks were bringing in bottles of wine and sharing them with strangers, and, after the show, we found a big empty bottle of Jack Daniels lying sadly on its side underneath a chair. And this drunk, horny energy permeated throughout the audience whether the others BYOB or not.

At intermission, my friends Tod and Rose mentioned the aforementioned Drunk Horny Couple, and they thought that I should heckle them throughout the rest of the show. But I'm a pretty non-confrontational guy, and I was content just to keep thinking, "Dad, I think he's gonna pork her," and try to ignore them as much as possible because I don't really like dealing with drunk, horny people (unless it's me who's going to have drunk, horny sex with them). Well, it turns out that Drunk Horny Girl was the first to win that night's bingo game. She actually tied for the night's top bingo prize along with a woman who was part of the European Front Row.

(By the way, a few blog entries ago I wrote: "The remaining tickets are likely to fall into the hands of German tourists if you don't buy them first." Guess who was sitting in the front row? Germans!!!!! Weird-ass shit. I should've written, "The remaining tickets are likely to fall into the hands of the guy who plays The Human Torch and takes off his shirt in all his movies." Do you think Chris Evans would've shown up and tried to seduce me? "Dad, I think he's gonna pork him.")

(By the way, this cell phone photo is courtesy of Tod. If anyone has any more photos, give them to us so we can post them.)

For the tiebreaker, we had Drunk Horny Girl and European Front Row Lady play trivia with questions based on the stories and songs that we performed that evening. Brandon and I had both women whisper answers in our ears so that the other couldn't hear, and both women answered something like five questions wrong in a row, and I know why. Drunk Horny Girl slurred each of her alcohol-scented answers to me, most of which made no sense. I think she was just giving me random answers from a random episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. We finally had to flip a coin, and Drunk Horny Girl won.

I believe that Drunk Horny Couple is on the JUKEBOX STORIES mailing list, so they will probably end up reading this at some point. Drunk Horny Couple, I hope I have accurately and respectfully described you, and I hope you will leave me a message to let me know if you did indeed end up having drunk, horny sex or if you passed out when you got home. I want to know this more than I want to know who killed Kennedy.

Lest I unfairly shine a drunk, horny light upon Drunk Horny Couple, I want to reemphasize that they weren't the only ones sloshed and hump-ready. One of the Germans declared that Brandon giving her a lap dance was worth the price of admission; someone informed me rather forcefully that "you two are easy on the eyes"; and the guy whose chair we found the empty bottle of Jack under came up on stage to help us reenact scenes from The Goonies and he wouldn't leave. I must thank playwright Marisela Orta for encouraging me to do those Goonies reenactments because she made me realize how that film is truly a widespread shared cultural phenomenon, which is why that piece was a big hit that evening. (Me playing the Corey Feldman role was a major factor as well, if I must say so myself: "Yeah. But you know what? This one, this one right here, this was my dream, my wish, and it didn't come true. So I'm takin' it back. I'm takin' 'em all back.")

Helping to push the show to sell-out status were a group of people from Bay Area Linkup, a social networking group that brings strangers together and helps them score; an Asian Sistah who bought a block of tickets for her and her coworkers (I never asked them where they worked, but I'm guessing it's some Asian Thing); and, of course, nearly 20 teenagers from Maybeck High School, a Berkeley private school so progressive that their drama teacher brings them to something like JUKEBOX STORIES. The Maybeck kids are some of our staunchest allies, and we recognized a lot of them who've shown up before.

I was given a previously worn black rubber Maybeck wristband, and I wore it all weekend because the thought of having hot teen sweat on me wherever I went warmed by heart. Alas, after an insane all-night drive from San Francisco to Los Angeles and an exhausting and sleepless few days, the wristband has disappeared and my is heart broken. If some Follow Spot Operator out there cares enough to rectify this situation, I will be forever grateful.

Brandon is sitting here in my living room, and we just had the following exchange:
PRINCE: Do you have anything to report on about Friday night?

BRANDON: The woman in the front row who I gave a lap dance to tapped me on the butt when I got up and I think she hit my testicles.

PRINCE: Can I write that?

BRANDON: Sure. She's not the kind person to be checking blogs.

Prove him wrong, German woman!

Big thanks to everybody who was there Friday, to Melissa Gans and Rich Stimbra who run that crazy place, and to Diana Strachan who, because she ran the tech booth during our run last year at Impact Theatre, has now seen the show 18 times. (And we made her pay that 18th time! I love how we are evil bastards!) It was one of the best shows we've ever done, and we sincerely hope that you all got some that night. In exchange for the fact that we helped you get laid, will you please write something in our JUKEBOX STORIES guestbook or comment on our JUKEBOX STORIES MySpace page? We want to archive your thoughts the way we have attempted to archive our endless number of conquests. (But since there have been so so so so many, this is a simple impossibility.) And if there are any other significant details from that evening that I am forgetting, post them here and we will discuss them in-depth like they do on The View.

—Reporting Glendale, California

COMMENTS

BLOGGER: 16
  1. Anonymous6/04/2007

    I have now seen the show 20 times, thankyouverymuch. One rehearsal plus 18 plus one. I think that might qualify me as Number One Stalker Fan.

    You should give away pudding cups again! Those HandiSnack ones don't even have to be refrigerated!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Actually, we BOTH counted wrong! It's 19! (There was no show on Thanksgiving at Impact.) I tried, oh, I tried to rig it so you would win Impact tickets, but, alas, it didn't happen. But that would've been the funniest thing IN THE WORLD!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous6/04/2007

    Hm, shows what you know ;-). Are you sure those 2 women in the first row were German? Are you? Wanna bet? Everything you own? It's me, the evil queen in the second row (remember, the Germans are always the bad ones in any show and film) who's German and I can assure you the other 2 weren't. vee hef our vays. Nja ha ha ha ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Maybeck High School drama has been to a lot of fancy American Conservatory Theater shows (just down the street from The Clubhouse) this year, but the students just don't leave with the same glowing look of having found their community. Thanks both for being so you, for sharing emotional insight, and for the brilliant specificity of your humor.

    P.S. feel free to include the link to the Maybeck website when you mention us: www.maybeckHS.org

    ReplyDelete
  5. Varinia, oh my god, I can't wait to show Brandon your message, ha ha ha! ICH LIEBE DICK! Er, I mean, DICH, yeah, yeah, right, DICH, not DICK. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. John, thank you so much. We love Maybeck more than we can ever express. And we will indeed include a link to your site. I wasn't sure how specific we could get with names of teachers and students and what not because sometimes people have fancy rules in the world of academia that I don't know about. BUT NOW I DEFY YOUR RULES! xoxoxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  7. "Thanks both for being so you, for sharing emotional insight, and for the brilliant specificity of your humor."

    That is almost exactly what John wrote in my yearbook two years ago.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Those three things are necessities in order to qualify as GENIUS.

    And since you apparently qualify, you should start a girl version of JUKEBOX STORIES, like there's a girl version of "The Odd Couple." But instead of singing "Munching the #$$%*," you'll have to sing something like "Sucking the"...ah, nevermind.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous6/04/2007

    Oh Prince, thank you for helping me realize my dream to be a Goonie.

    I was telling my younger brother about your Mouth monologue. He's 25 and you'd think too young to have watched The Goonies, but his older sisters have schooled him well in 80's cinema, he began reciting the Corey wishing well bit as soon as I said, "This one right here..." And we continued on the phone in unison until "I'm taking them all back."

    Great show, truly a lot of fun.

    And great post-show post, hi-larious. Best of luck with the L.A. shows, hope there are plenty of drunk, horny porkers in the audience.

    ReplyDelete
  10. All this Goonies talk is making me itching to see it again RIGHT NOW. I think I'm gonna go to Blockbuster tonight and force Brandon to watch it with me.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous6/04/2007

    Oh my god -- you're right! 19 times, fine, but STILL the mostest.

    I didn't enter the drawing--I thought about it...but that would've been AWESOME. You should've said my name anyway!

    AND, in honor of you and Brandon, I bought The Goonies today at Target for $7.50. It's about time I own that movie.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Jesus! I can OWN IT for $7.50? Fuck Blockbuster!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous6/04/2007

    Yes, Ich liebe dick auch ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous6/04/2007

    Guess what movie is on right now on AMC...here's a hint:"I think he's gonna pork her, dad."

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous6/06/2007

    Claire: " "Thanks both for being so you, for sharing emotional insight, and for the brilliant specificity of your humor."

    That is almost exactly what John wrote in my yearbook two years ago."

    0-o. Me too... Haha. John is so funny. I'll miss him. Oh, and... Maybeck Represent!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anonymous6/28/2007

    HEY... i'm still trying to get the megaphone to work from the first time i saw you guys the last time you were in berkeley. either way, it's still loud and annoying and pleasing to my ears. on another subject.. if you would like another maybeck wristy thing, email me at juliadhooliagan@yahoo.com and i can send you, like, three. be safe.

    ReplyDelete

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