"The Goonies" Is Mine

Let's stop bullshitting, okay? I enjoy working in theater, dabbling in film, performing on stage, and recording podcasts, but let's finally get to the real reason I'm in the business. When is somebody going to hire me to write The Goonies 2?!

Rumors about a Goonies sequel have been floating around Hollywood for more than 20 years (the orginal was realeased in—can you believe this?—1985). But, alas, nothing has transpired, and you know whoever does end up making the sequel is gonna fuck it up big time. That's what Hollywood does. It takes a young boy's dream, like mine, and crushes it until there is nothing left. My dream, of course, is to sit in a theater and be deeply affected by The Goonies 2, much like the first movie blew me away when I was a mere 13-years-old and much like the way I still to this day hold it in high esteem and speak of it with reverence and awe. So instead of being majorly disappointed and having my faith in humankind beaten out of me (just like Spider-Man 3 flattened my soul), I'm going to have to make The Goonies 2 myself to ensure my complete and utter satisfaction.

Only a true and loyal fan such as myself can adequately recapture the magic of the first film. I don't have the time to name off everything great about that movie, but I must point out:

1.) The amazing cast. Not only did Sean Astin, Martha Plimpton, Josh Brolin, and, yes, Corey Feldman sparkle and shine, but also an Asian kid was given a major role (Temple of Doom's Jonathan Ke Quan as "Data")! Do you know what kind of influence this kid had on young Asian Americans across the country? He was a pioneer, and, if he happens to be reading this, I want him to know that he is a hero to many!

2.) An ironclad premise. Poor kids about to get kicked out of their lifelong homes because of evil developers go on a treasure hunt to save day.

3.) That infectious song by Cyndi Lauper! ("Good enough/For you, it's good enough/For me, it's good enough/It's good enough for me/Ai-yai-yai-yai-yai!")

4.) Endlessly quotable lines if dialogue. STEF: "...these are somebody else's wishes. They're somebody else's dreams." MOUTH: "Yeah, but you know what? This one, this one right here. This was my dream. My wish. And it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back.... I'm taking them all back!"

My JUKEBOX STORIES collaborator, Brandon Patton, doesn't know this yet, but, when we are in San Francisco for our encore performances, I'm going to try to convince him to reenact scenes from The Goonies with me. And we thought our show was successful before? Just you wait. This is going to make us superstars!

By the way, San Francisco, if you were planning to see JUKEBOX STORIES at The Ghetto Gourmet on June 2, tickets are sold out! Lucky for you, there are still some tickets left for our performance at The Clubhouse on June 1. But hurry! We've already sold 2/3 of the house, and the remaining tickets are likely to fall into the hands of German tourists if you don't buy them first. Shell out the measly ten bucks, and come see us if you haven't already. (If you already have, e-mail your friends about us, won't you?)

"Don't you realize? The next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school. Our parents, they want the best of stuff for us. But right now, they gotta do what's right for them. Because it's their time. Their time. Up there. Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here."

—Reporting From Glendale, California